Trump pretends, plots, and procrastinates in his Mar-a-Lago lair

The Resistant Grandmother (TRG) imagines how Trump reacts to Harris’s red-hot campaign – with conflict avoidance, lies, and plots to steal.

The Ressistant Grandmother

The setting: Mid-day approaching Trump’s private quarters in Mar-a-Lago.  Sweating profusely, Trump first enters the resort’s bar, casts an admiring glance at a flattering portrait of his 35-year-old self in traditional tennis gear, then strolls up to his personal residence.  A bucket of buffalo wings, bowl of ranch dip, basket of onion rings, and an extra large Coke await him.

Valet Waltine (Walter) Nauta emerges from the corner and helps Trump remove his gamey trousers and golf shirt, revealing a large body ravaged by time, fast food, and over-indulgence.

Trump seems unaware he now possesses the body type of a man up in years who hasn’t taken care of himself.  Instead, he begins talking energetically about last Friday’s Montana rally to help his carpet bagging Senate pick beat incumbent Democrat Jon Tester.

TRUMP:  How about that Friday rally in Bozeman, Walt?  Godawful hellhole, but important to send that fat Jon Tester packing.  Got some good licks in on Tester’s big gut and Crazy Kamala. Didya see it, Walter? It was a beautiful thing.

NAUTA:  Watched the whole thing, boss.  Ya sure cut that Tester and Harris down to size. 

TRUMP:  Yeah.  Did my windmills thing, and…

NAUTA: Windmills, sir?
TRUMP:  Yeah, you know – said how she’ll put up windmills everywhere when we’ve got more undrilled oil than we know what to do with. (Starts to chuckle, menacingly.)  Then I did the voting thing where I ask the crowd whether they prefer “Sleepy Joe” or “Crooked Joe.”  They go with “Crooked” every time — wild!  F***, why can’t that guy still be in the race?  Maybe he’ll get back in Chicago.  A shame how they made him drop out. (Wistfully) I had it all locked up.  But now…

NAUTA:  What’s next, boss?
TRUMP: Gotta three p.m. tee time.  Make sure the cart’s downstairs…
NAUTA:  I mean the rallies, sir.  You got any planned for the battleground states?

TRUMP:  (He becomes darker.)  None of your business, Nauta.  Get Wiles and LaCivita in here.  And scram.

(Nauta leaves to summon senior co-campaign managers Susie Wiles and Chris LaCivita. While they enter and stand at attention, Trump sits down at the table and begins knocking down his lunch.)

TRUMP: You got the crowd size figures from Friday?

WILES (nervously):  Yes, they were great!  About four K.  (Then, sensing Trump needs more affirmation, adds) Attendance good for its being a backwater rat’s nest, sir.
TRUMP:  You’re wrong.  Don’t bullshit me! Had to be at least 20, 30 thousand. And how come there were some empty seats? Why the f*** you let that happen?

WILES:   Probably a factor of being two hours late due to the plane’s mechanical problems. 

TRUMP:  Goddamnit! Having to land in Billings then take another plane to the rally site.  Did you fire that SOB pilot yet?

WILES:  Didn’t know you wanted to, sir.  But I’ll get right on it.

TRUMP:  But in Bozeman — I killed them, agree?
WILES AND LACIVITA (unconvincingly):  Oh, yeah, sir.  Knocked ‘em dead.

TRUMP: Say it like you mean it, goddamnit!  I’m paying you enough, and upfront, too.
WILES:  (Hesitates, but then says) Well, I’m not sure that your saying no one knows Harris’s last name and then right away saying her last name landed the way you wanted.  Kind of undercut your point.  Better to get right into her stance on the issues, like the border and…

TRUMP:  I think I know what my people want better than you two jackoffs. Gotta show strength, not weakness like those pussy-whipped Democrats.  People want put-downs, attacks, insults.  Not policies!  Who wants that crap?  You keep pushing me to be nice and dignified, but I know hitting hard below the belt works way better with our American voter dopes.

(After finishing his KFC lunch, he now closely approaches his campaign chiefs, and pivots, thematically.) Say, what have you two losers been doing? You following through on our plan to lay the groundwork for contesting the election? Every day we’ve gotta be building the case for our November ground attack so we can tee it up to my SCOTUS pawns to seal the deal.

LACIVITA:  You know I’m swiftboating Walz over his “combat” slipup.  Got the same team on it who finished Kerry.

TRUMP:  I said stuff to contest the election.  Not interested in the dirty tricks crap right now.

WILES:  We’re getting good play on the AI accusations the Michigan rally had no attendance in spite of the 14 thousand there that the news and attendees’ photos show.  We’re pushing it the way we claimed mules were carrying in boxes of fixed ballots four years ago.  Same guy on the AI story who came up with the mules.

TRUMP:  OK, good.  We’ll use my CHEATER claim in court to show how election results didn’t match crowd sizes and that NOBODY went to that b**** Harris’s rallies.

LACIVITA:  And you know I’m working hard to cause chaos on election day in Georgia and other key swing states.  Got my folks situated in the election infrastructures to charge foul play and fight the results long after Nov. 5.  Especially good in Georgia where workers can charge “reasonable inquiry” under new voting rules that give county commissioners power to reject election results.  

My slogan, “The election won’t be over until Trump puts his hand on the bible on January 20th,” has been getting good media play, and will prove predictive. (He stands proudly after delivering the kind of report Trump likes to hear.)

TRUMP (piggybacking):  Yeah.  Telling my people they won’t have to vote because everything will be fixed is really coming to pass.  (Wistfully) I can see the chaos now, a beautiful thing…
(Snapping back, he dismisses campaign chiefs.) OK, you can go now.  I’ve gotta make a few calls before my next tee time. Get outta here.
(Wiles and LaCivita share a satisfied look before departing.)

Trump saunters to his phone and answers still another media inquiry. It’s about his claim that back in the day he shared a plunging helicopter ride with former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown, Jr. who, in his alleged final moments, said bad things about Kamala Harris to Donald Trump.

REPORTER ON PHONE:  Brown denies ever being on the helicopter and there’s no record, flight-wise or in media coverage, of any such event happening.

TRUMP ON PHONE:  I don’t care what he says or you say. Maybe Brown’s non compos mentis — ya know he’s getting up in years.  Yeah, he’s losing it, big time. Besides, whose word ya gonna take — mine or any crooked, lyin’ Dem?

(He cuts off the call and stuffs the phone effortfully in his back pocket.)  Dressed in a fresh shirt and khakis, Trump again heads cheerily toward the links. 

—trg

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