Trump's great unraveling
The Resistant Grandmother (TRG) imagines how fear and lunacy reign after Harris' knockout punch. And how Laura Loomer ascends.
The Resistant Grandmother
The setting: Late morning, a few days after former President Donald Trump has suffered a dramatic debate defeat at the hands of his formative Democratic rival, Vice President Kamala Harris. Trump is sleeping fitfully, alone, in his Mar-a-Lago master bedroom suite. After tossing and turning, he wakes up in a cold sweat, grips his toupeed head, and yells: “No, no no! She’s the disgrace. They’re laughing at her, not ME!!!”
With that, his valet, Waltine (“Walter”) Nauta rushes in, wearing pajamas and throwing on a robe.
NAUTA: What’s the matter, boss. You OK?
TRUMP: (Waking up, groggily) Huh? Wha? Oh, yeah. Just had a bad dream, I guess.
NAUTA: That Harris dame get to you, sir? You were yelling some of the same things she said to you in the debate.
TRUMP: (Trying to dismiss any suggestion Harris’s smackdown in front of the entire world disturbed him, he says…) Nothing to see here, Walter. I’ll be fine after I shower. Get my robe. And send Lewandowski up here. He’ll probably be in the restaurant eating breakfast.
NAUTA: Sure, boss. Sure. (He picks up the morning newspaper outside the door and leaves it on Trump’s nightstand before he departs.)
On his way into the spacious bathroom, Trump curses his campaign managers, Susie Wiles and Chris LaCivita, who retain that title more and more in name only. They’ve been in this place with the recent appointment of Corey Lewandowski, a trusted crony from his 2016 days. Everyone who signs on with Trump knows getting fired is likely, if not inevitable. Trump even canned Lewandowski early on in 2016 and replaced him with two subsequent campaign chiefs.
But Wiles and LaCivita were different: they were the professionals navigating a winning strategy over a horde of rivals, including the once-formidable Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley. Now, Wiles and LaCivita fear they, too, are on the chopping block. Their big transgression? Talking Trump into doing the Joe Biden June 27 debate.
TRUMP to NAUTA, working up a lather: If only they had insisted on a later debate date until after the Democratic convention, Biden would have been locked in, facing weak poll numbers and an inflation economy. Easy pickins.
But, no. After Biden’s debate debacle, Democrats got busy and forced Old Joe out. It was all their, “This is the most important election in American history” crap that made way for Harris. (He finishes off his internal rant with his new expletive of choice when referring to his rival.) “That b****!”
NAUTA: Yes, sir. You said it. (He lays out pants and a polo shirt while Trump heads into the shower, foregoing helping him at Trump’s insistence he quickly find Lewandowski.)
Finished showering, Trump emerges back into the bedroom and notices the folded morning paper on the nightstand. He opens it, and reads how Taylor Swift’s Harris endorsement has yielded a 500 percent increase in new registered voters and thousands of volunteers for the Democratic nominee’s campaign.
Fuming, he finds a black sharpie, X’s out her eyes, blackens her teeth, adds devil horns, and draws a villainous mustache on the blond billionaire singer’s photo before tearing up the page and throwing it in the wastebasket.
TRUMP: She’ll be sorry when all my people stop buying her tickets! She’s finished!
(Meanwhile, Lewandowski and Nauta approach Trump’s bedroom.)
LEWANDOWSKI to NAUTA outside the door: Mood?
NAUTA: Bad, sir. Good luck in there.
LEWANDOWSKI (Squares back his shoulders and enters): Good morning, Mr. Presid-
TRUMP: Yeah, yeah. Show me the polls.
LEWANDOWSKI: (Now nervous, as Trump had been touting fake poll numbers in the spin room—ridiculous, made-up figures claiming Trump won the debate in a landslide.
“Ninety-two to three, eighty-three to six...” they came from out of the blue—if anywhere, from social media.
But after multiple searches just to be on the safe side, Lewandowski couldn’t find them. Did Trump know they were invented or is he just pulling my leg, testing me? So, Lewandowski begins carefully…) Our pollster Tony Fabrizio’s not reporting anything in the way of winning numbers yet, and there’s nothing on 538 either. Will likely take a few more days.
TRUMP (getting testy): Right after the debate, Laura Loomer gave me the numbers I shared in the spin room. How come she can get them, and you can’t?
LEWANDOWSKI: Can’t locate any evidence of those polls, sir. I searched online, but just not there. Maybe in the darkest corners of social media, but we can’t use those numbers without s*** hitting the fan.
TRUMP: Dammit! You’re my campaign manager. I expect you to be on board with this stuff! Better watch out, Lewandowski. September’s a bad month for Trump campaign managers.
LEWANDOWSKI (ruefully): I know. But just to be clear, in 2016 you fired me during the primaries, not in September. Are you planning to fire me again or somebody else soon?
TRUMP: That’s for me to know and you not to. (Pauses) The only thing I will say is it won’t be you, this time. I’m leaning toward getting rid of some of my other so-called campaign leaders.
LEWANDOWSKI: Your choice, sir, as always, although it would leave us short-handed in the homestretch. You mind telling me how they’ve “failed.”
TRUMP: Two things—getting conned into the June Biden debate that set us up for Harris, and now bugging me about the issues. Always, “gotta talk issues.” They should know by now that’s not anything I want to, or will do.
LEWANDOWSKI: You used to, at least a little. What’s changed?
TRUMP: Issues were OK in ‘16 when I ran on protecting workers losing their jobs. It got me in, but as you may remember, I dropped it once I got in the Oval. As president, I changed…only interested in getting that big tax cut for the one percent passed. Then Covid kept me busy, though not too busy. And then there were all those foreign trips.
The longer into my term, I realized my base wasn’t really into them, either. What really made me popular was racism and the white nationalist strong man thing. And then getting rid of democracy. I’m OK with that. What’s it done for me? Nothing but lawsuits.
LEWANDOWSKI: I know, sir. It’s all been unfair.
TRUMP (not listening): Bottom line, I don’t give a shit about “helping the American people” that Harris keeps blathering about. All I want is power and the whole government reporting to me. Need to get rid of the Constitution and my enemies—anyone who disagrees with me. Purging the DOJ and putting in all my lackies will do that and, bonus, erase all those bullshit legal cases. This is what this campaign is about—not issues. Capiche?
LEWANDOWSKI: Yes, Mr. President. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know the score. But your base alone won’t carry you into the Oval. To get elected, we need to win Independents, the only ones so far who haven’t made up their minds. And so far we’ve hit a ceiling. The undecided—especially the young ones—lean more now to Harris than us.
TRUMP: Morons.
LEWANDOWSKI: To that end, we’ve got to veer a little more to the middle. And our friend Laura Loomer is a roadblock to that.
TRUMP: (Begins to object…)
LEWANDOWSKI: I know she’s on board with the Haitian pet-eating thing that’s been good to us. But she’s also just recently called 9/11 an “inside job,” implying that George Bush’s government was behind it. And then there’s her calling Harris a “drug using prostitute.” That’s not persuadable for the new young voters and suburban moms. And then on Tim Poole this week she called DOJ attorneys traitors who should be executed. It’s a constant stream, now…
TRUMP: Well, I can’t disagree with some of it, and she’s keeping my people on board. For the undecideds, nobody needs to know we’re involved with her in any way…
LEWANDOWSKI: With Loomer’s riding around on the campaign plane—even to the 9/11 sites after what she’s said — she’s part of the campaign staff and being identified that way.
TRUMP: So what?
LEWANDOWSKI: We’re also getting some inside blowback. Senator Graham says she should go, and even Marjorie Taylor Greene has called her racist for Loomer’s “the White House will smell of curry” crack. And then there’s, well, her riding everywhere with you on your plane, and saying she “loves” you and all…
TRUMP: Get your mind out of the gutter, Lewandowski. Get used to it: Loomer’s in and will go on with us into the White House. And I don’t give a s*** whether you or anybody else likes it or not.
LEWANDOWSKI: (holding back the impulse to continue trying to convince Trump when it’s obviously useless)
TRUMP: Look, she makes me happy, OK? Granted, she’s a little out there, but so am I now. I like her ideas.
LEWANDOWSKI: (Thinking, Clearly he’s off the rails, but still in the game given how close the polls are. It’s good for me if he wins the White House. So Lewandowski holds his tongue after having spoken the truth, and failed.)
OK, sure, Mr. President. We’ll keep stoking the Haitian dog-eating story as long as we can, then go on to the next thing. I’ll work with Laura to feed this kind of stuff to your base and the press.
TRUMP: Now, you’re talking. And make sure you link all these immigrant pawns to the economy…they’re taking jobs, sponging off taxpayers’ money—the usual. Go back and look at my debate tapes. Notice how I pivoted from the economy to immigration.
Same with abortion. They bring it up, we pivot to dangerous brown people. They bring up how well the economy is doing, so why change horses? We pivot to Haitian dog-eating. Be creative. Link these poor immigrant stiffs to death and voters’ wallets.
You get it now?
LEWANDOWSKI: Yes, Mr. President. But just one more thing, if I may. You up for another debate? We’re getting tons of calls about this — press, donors, candidates, everyone. You were good on June 27th and it may be a good way to…(working cautiously to avoid the word “recover”)...to get one more chance to talk to the American people before November 5th.
TRUMP: You’re kidding, right? Been there, done that, so no need. Plus, I never wanna see that b**** again. Not until my inauguration when she’s sitting in the stands. And fyi, you forgot to say I was great Tuesday night.
LEWANDOWSKI: Official reason?
TRUMP: Just say she was too afraid to try again, or wouldn’t go on Fox…blah, blah, blah. Something…
LEWANDOWSKI: I’m on it.
(As he starts to leave, Nauta enters with Laura Loomer, an exotic-looking 30-something with long black hair cascading over her shoulders. She’s dramatically made up wearing a black pantsuit, predator nails, and a dark red lip. Loomer and Trump hug, looking very glad to see each other. Lewandowski smiles and says goodbye, uncomfortably steps around the enthralled duo, and walks out.)
NAUTA: Hope it’s OK, sir. She arrived this morning and insisted...
TRUMP: (Interrupting) Are you kidding? Always, always happy to see my wonderful, enthusiastic friend! And oh, my dear, I loved your latest attack on Kamala. The curry smell in the White House thing and speeches helped by a call center, which I didn’t get, but thought was clever…
LOOMER: And I love that you loved it! Makes me so happy that I can help in any way!
(They talk animatedly for awhile before Loomer feigns a lunch date for the purpose of getting more dirt for the the campaign, but actually not wanting to risk signalling the prospect of a higher level of intimacy. But before she leaves, she approaches her idol and looks at Trump’s face closely, showing concern.) Oh, my good friend. You look so tired! Aren’t you sleeping well?
TRUMP: Sure, I am. No problem. Sleeping like a baby, especially after my great debate!
LOOMER: Of course…it was smashing! So proud of you! And I’m so glad you’re well. We need your strength! All of us.
TRUMP: Aww…
LOOMER: But I must take leave now. I have some leads coming in from the dark web I must attend to. Have to be ready when Haitian dog-eating cycles out…
TRUMP: Wonderful! I’m eager to see anything you come up with!
LOOMER: Delighted to be of service, Mr. President. Talk with you soon!
(After Loomer’s departure, Trump goes to a mirror and surveys the face she saw as tired. Instead, he sees a virile young blond man in his mid 30s, not the aging, red-eyed 78-year-old with double chins. Suddenly he feels like partying and calls Nauta on the intercom to arrange it.)
TRUMP: Invite Lewandowski and Miller and a few others from my inner circle and their wives. Maybe Don, Jr. and Kim. I guess we’ll have to include J.D. and his wife. Don’t recall her name, offhand…And, first of all, Laura Loomer!
NAUTA: Sure, boss. And Mrs. Trump?
TRUMP: Yeah, sure…if she’s in town. Check on that.
NAUTA: Another ‘70s-themed reprisal?
TRUMP: No. Something different. Ask Laura what she’d like and go with it.
NAUTA: No problem, boss. I’m on it. (Before hanging up, he checks on Trump’s health, given the morning’s “You’re a disgrace!” and “They’re laughing at you!” nightmare.)
You looked a little tired this morning. You want the party to go late, or wind up at a certain time?
TRUMP: No rules or limits, Walter. And don’t worry about me. Remember what I always say: sleep is for losers.
(Then, to himself)…And, since Tuesday’s debate, for bad dreams.
—trg
Who I write for…
Thank you so much for reading. Please leave a comment.
Thanks, TRG! Trump (to self), toward the end, says it all! Astonishing, but that's how he twists and lies. His days of getting away with that are numbered.